cynical

Usually when I read a few poems by the same poet, I manage to derive some sort of idea as to what kind of a person the poet is or was. On the contrary, in the case of Sylvia Plath, you need to know about her and understand her life, if you want to, at the least, marginally comprehend her poetry. So I have temporarily given up reading her poetry and instead have started on her biography. And then I plan to read some of her diaries, especially the ones she wrote during the last period of her life. After that, I should hopefully be able to understand what she was trying to say.

Any fans of Gavin Degraw out there??I would like to hear your opinion on his music.

I’m trying to come to terms with who I really am and it’s bloody hard work. I’ve come to those fatal crossroads in my life and it feels as if whatever decision I make is going to ruin me for good. It’s a very scary thought. I see some of my friends so focused on what they want to do and wonder if it’s something ‘radically wrong’ with me.

I wish I’m still 12 cos recetly i found an essay i had written when i was 12 where I had firmly and confidently stated that I’m going to study very hard and become a doctor. It is somewhere down the line from 12 to 15 that this straightforward,NORMAL ambition was replaced by the urge to do something different. When I look at all the stereotypes around me I’m glad I changed my mind but then again, now I don’t know what the fuck i’m supposed to do.

And my identity crisis is not just about what kind of a career i want. It’s also about the kind of person I am right now and about how i want to develop as a person.

I’m a night owl so it’s from about 11pm to about 3 in the morning that I go through my self analysis. I write down my thoughts,read stuff I’ve written before and try to come to terms with who I am.But i never can. So far the only conclusion I’ve come to is that I suffer from MPD. I guess it all depends on what kind of mood I am in because most of my opinions seem to contradict each other from time to time and make me sound like a hypocrite.

Expect the sequel to this post pretty soon.

Given that this is my first post i’m not going to write on anything specific.I got the idea of creating my own blog after i saw one of my friends’ blog. It seemed like a good way to give vent to my cynicism.Frustration surfaces every once in a while and fortunately or unfortunately my creativity always kicks in at the same time so most of my work ends up being cynical.So this blog is going to almost always reflect the cynical being hidden inside my ‘happy go lucky’ front.I have a feeling that my entries will surprise most of my friends and acquaintances who have no insight to my ‘evil’ side.hehe.(except the ones who have tolerated,loved and known me for who i really am,which, let me assure you, is a very difficult feat to accomplish so not many fall into that category) Anyway to sum it all up, this is one place i’m planning to be ME so all constructive as well as destructive criticism is welcome.