cynical

I’m trying to come to terms with who I really am and it’s bloody hard work. I’ve come to those fatal crossroads in my life and it feels as if whatever decision I make is going to ruin me for good. It’s a very scary thought. I see some of my friends so focused on what they want to do and wonder if it’s something ‘radically wrong’ with me.

I wish I’m still 12 cos recetly i found an essay i had written when i was 12 where I had firmly and confidently stated that I’m going to study very hard and become a doctor. It is somewhere down the line from 12 to 15 that this straightforward,NORMAL ambition was replaced by the urge to do something different. When I look at all the stereotypes around me I’m glad I changed my mind but then again, now I don’t know what the fuck i’m supposed to do.

And my identity crisis is not just about what kind of a career i want. It’s also about the kind of person I am right now and about how i want to develop as a person.

I’m a night owl so it’s from about 11pm to about 3 in the morning that I go through my self analysis. I write down my thoughts,read stuff I’ve written before and try to come to terms with who I am.But i never can. So far the only conclusion I’ve come to is that I suffer from MPD. I guess it all depends on what kind of mood I am in because most of my opinions seem to contradict each other from time to time and make me sound like a hypocrite.

Expect the sequel to this post pretty soon.