cynical

For the last hour ‘ve done some productive work but it is so bloody frustrating. I have digested the French Revolution and badly needed a break because I’m numbed. My head has temporarily (i hope) stopped processing information.So i decided to vent a little on my beloved blog.Everytime I do an assignment I promise myself that I won’t wait till the very end to start doing it but here I am, once again, hundreds of assignments later, still stuck in an assignment 2 days before the deadline. I suppose it is true that “We learn from history that we learn nothing from history” because I’m feeling a weird sense of deja vu right now. This has just become one of the many sleepless nights I have spent over some assignment due the next day. And you’d thing there would be a difference in your attitude when you go through the same trial for the umpteenth time but no, nothing has changed. And right now i’ve stopped all my other work so from the time i give in this assignment I’ll be running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to catch up with my other work. *sigh* I hope the pessimism can be felt everywhere.

Does anyone know how annoying it is to have naturally straight hair in a world where every other girl seems to have artificially straightened hair???!!! It is so bloody frustrating because one minute people are admiring your hair and the next, they are asking you from where you got it done.I consider my hair to be one of my few assets and believe me it is annoying when it is considered artificial. Of course it gives me the chance to haughtily and rudely proclaim my hair to be my own but at the same time it pisses me off. All you see these days is straight hair.So straight that it seems to stand on its own. I’m not being spiteful but some are so badly done that it is quite obvious that it’s artificial. And anyway the only reason I’m all worked up about such a trivial matter is because straight hair is taken for granted now a days.It almost makes you want to go do your hair poodle style.

Ok then I’ve vented that out and it feels good

I’m still not over you.I keep telling myself that I am but unguarded moments bring out the truth.But i’m not going to let it break me.I’ll go on denying that i have any feelings left for you and maybe one day i’ll start believing my own words.Maybe one day I’ll wake up to find out that the heartache is over.Maybe one night i’ll realize that I didn’t tink of you even once during that day.And till that day comes,i’ll just go on denying.

For the last half hour I’ve been trying to focus and do some productive reading but it doesn’t seem to work so here I am, typing away to glory.

Earlier I spoke of my current identity crisis. Does your outward appearance also count when you think of your identity? After my AL’s I felt the need for a change in my life and given that it’s easier to change your appearance, I went for that. I cut my hair, switched from specs to contacts, made some changes to my wardrobe, re-painted my room (the cupboards are black and it’s gorgeous, I love it so much I just HAD to say that ), bought a new phone, etc.

It didn’t necessarily give me a new identity but it made me feel that a new phase in my life had begun after the exam. And that was important to me because I’m the kind of person who needs a catalyst of some form to keep moving on and the “turned a new leaf” feeling will hopefully help me survive the next four or five years.

Call me weird but painting my room was actually symbolic to me for many reasons. It used to be purple, my former favourite colour. Gradually I started hating it and changing it to my now favourite colour, black, meant to me that I was done with a certain stage of my life. Also there were so many memories of a certain relationship, which had to be erased from that room because those memories kept haunting me to the point of depression. There was poetry that I wrote on the walls and the cupboards on impulse and those were covered in black and white with relish. Some of the times spent in my room were the happiest of my life for a while but they weren’t meant to be that way forever and they transformed themselves into the bitterest memories of my life. So painting my room was important to me. (You could call it a method of escapism as well I suppose)

I’m in the studying mood again so will complete this later.

I’m nineteen years old.I’ve got good A/L results and therefore my life is supposed to be full of possibilities. But I’m sorry to say that at the moment I don’t see any possibilities at all.I’m caught in a labyrinth and can’t find the way out.
I blame the “system” for this confusion I feel. It gives you no breathing space, no time to take a break after an exam,to try various things and then decide on what you are passionate about,what you want to do for the rest of your life.The world we live in is far too competitive for such things and “survival of the fittest” (or in this case, the most focused) is the rule we live by.
So you put your whole life and future at stake and move towards one goal.This goal could be your own choice but in most cases it is something that abides by the stereotype norms of society.
If you like the path you chose, good for you. If you love it, even better. If you hate it, too bad, it’s too late to start all over again.
But then again, maybe it’s not the system. Maybe it’s me.To be honest, I’m not brave enough to take one year off and see where it takes me.Part of me wants to break away from the system but the other part seems to be afraid of something. Rejection is the closest I can come to.
Either way, I have a feeling that I’m going to waste the best years of my life if I confine myself to one goal so now I’m concentrating on doing my best to branch out to other fields while I continue my higher studies.For now, I cannot tell how successful it will be but I’m sure I will gain something out of it,even if it is the mere experience.

I’m trying to come to terms with who I really am and it’s bloody hard work. I’ve come to those fatal crossroads in my life and it feels as if whatever decision I make is going to ruin me for good. It’s a very scary thought. I see some of my friends so focused on what they want to do and wonder if it’s something ‘radically wrong’ with me.

I wish I’m still 12 cos recetly i found an essay i had written when i was 12 where I had firmly and confidently stated that I’m going to study very hard and become a doctor. It is somewhere down the line from 12 to 15 that this straightforward,NORMAL ambition was replaced by the urge to do something different. When I look at all the stereotypes around me I’m glad I changed my mind but then again, now I don’t know what the fuck i’m supposed to do.

And my identity crisis is not just about what kind of a career i want. It’s also about the kind of person I am right now and about how i want to develop as a person.

I’m a night owl so it’s from about 11pm to about 3 in the morning that I go through my self analysis. I write down my thoughts,read stuff I’ve written before and try to come to terms with who I am.But i never can. So far the only conclusion I’ve come to is that I suffer from MPD. I guess it all depends on what kind of mood I am in because most of my opinions seem to contradict each other from time to time and make me sound like a hypocrite.

Expect the sequel to this post pretty soon.

Given that this is my first post i’m not going to write on anything specific.I got the idea of creating my own blog after i saw one of my friends’ blog. It seemed like a good way to give vent to my cynicism.Frustration surfaces every once in a while and fortunately or unfortunately my creativity always kicks in at the same time so most of my work ends up being cynical.So this blog is going to almost always reflect the cynical being hidden inside my ‘happy go lucky’ front.I have a feeling that my entries will surprise most of my friends and acquaintances who have no insight to my ‘evil’ side.hehe.(except the ones who have tolerated,loved and known me for who i really am,which, let me assure you, is a very difficult feat to accomplish so not many fall into that category) Anyway to sum it all up, this is one place i’m planning to be ME so all constructive as well as destructive criticism is welcome.